From Grain (Fall 2010). See more haiku horoscopes at haikuhoroscopes.com.

ARIES (March 21–April 19)

Say goodbye to your
Sense of self-worth and hello
To my horoscopes
TAURUS (April 20–May 20)
The monster under
Your bed disqualifies you
For life insurance
GEMINI (May 21–June 20)
Sadly, the rise of
Our robot overlords will
Cramp your dating style
CANCER (June 21–July 22)
Don’t count your chickens
Before they hatch sinister
Plans to dethrone you
LEO (July 23–Aug 22)
You will learn the true
Meaning of pain when you buy
A dictionary
VIRGO (Aug 23–Sept 22)
It won’t make sense now
But pack some cheese down your pants
And await your fate
LIBRA (Sept 23–Oct 22)
Get ready for a
Season of great weather and
Morbid irony
SCORPIO (Oct 23–Nov 21)
Let go of the past
But don’t let go of that guy
Hanging off the cliff
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21)
As preparation
For his next role, Daniel Day-
Lewis will kill you
CAPRICORN (Dec 22–Jan 19)
Barracuda! With
That said, it’s time to invest
In mutual funds
AQUARIUS (Jan 20–Feb 18)
You have disobeyed
Willy Wonka’s simple rules
And now you must die
PISCES (Feb 19–March 20)
Let’s get serious
For a moment—it’s not right
To eat that baby