Wait until it is well dark. Lie beside the tomb. Run your fingers over the inscription, AD 1910, to find the secret window underneath. Insert your arm past the elbow and let it dangle. If you can hold it this way for sixty minutes, you’ll live forever. If you cannot, well, let’s just say you won’t. Place your back to the tomb on a clear day, close your eyes and form a picture in your mind of whatever it is you want most in life. Hold the picture, unwaveringly, as you walk back to your car. Lick the tomb and jump in the lake in February and your parents will buy you a dog. Hook up on the tomb and you’ll never break up. Touch your face to the tomb and your zits will clear overnight, the crows will release their feet from the now luminous skin that frames your eyes. Place your grandmother on the tomb and she’ll pick the next Grey Cup winner. Crush a sixty-four-ounce slushy on the tomb and your urine will divine a path to gold and other precious metals. Feed silk scarves into the tomb while playing any song off Both Sides Now and you’ll gain the gift of prophecy as it pertains to weather, the compatibility of future sexual partners and the best new best-kept secret spot for brunch. Also, your bone density will improve. Kick the tomb barefooted and break at least one toe to secure prime minus 1 on your mortgage if you lock in today. Rub an ear of corn along the tomb and you’ll be able to sprint the haunted maze blindfolded and impress the heck out of your nieces and nephews next Halloween. Set a Good Luck Money Tree on the tomb and it will yield perfectly ripe organic avocados and your shower door will retain a streak-free finish. Stare longingly at the tomb and you’ll be able to make friends in your thirties. Leave a pickle jar full of wildflowers on the tomb for Elizabeth Paul, d. 1914. It must be a pickle jar. Nobody knows why, but you should do it anyway. Read K-Ming Chang next to the tomb and you’ll find a two-bed-two-bath on the bus loop and your third round of IVF will take and your heart will feel like it has emerged for a moment from the great unspeakable weight of things. Call your mom from the tomb and she’ll appreciate it. When you return to your car, clear your mind. Take three deep breaths. Know that whatever happens next, at least you’re on the right side of the ground, as your grandmother used to say. Repeat this to yourself because our bodies deal in ritual.

Paul’s Tomb is found on Knox Mountain in Kelowna, BC. The trail is open year-round. Nearby amenities include a disc golf course and an off-leash dog park. Parking is free.

‍