Dear Geist,

Is there any way to prepare my mum for the surprises she is bound to find in the memoir I’m writing? Mum has been my steadfast cheerleader since I started working on it, but she hasn’t read it or asked to read it. When I offer to show her stuff, she says, “I'll wait until it’s a book.” I’m pretty sure there are things that will surprise her. The book tells about Mum raising my two brothers and me in a tiny shack with almost no income, and there are stories of our boys’ life that she never knew about. I don’t want to ambush her or hurt her feelings, but I also want to be true to my experience. All advice welcome!

—Geordie, 100 Mile House, BC

Dear Geordie,

When you write from life, there’s no predicting how people will react, whether or not they’re even portrayed in the story. It’s one of the thorniest questions you will face in life writing. Some people are fine or even oblivious; some are litigious even though they are neither mentioned nor portrayed; some who you’ve gone to some trouble to present in a sensitive manner stop talking to you; and so on. We know writers who talk it over with their subjects before going ahead—insisting if necessary—and others who write the story they believe in and mend fences later, if ever.

Some years ago, Geist ran a piece by a middle-aged man about his father, who had dementia and who often uttered things the family found wonderfully and sometimes eerily wise or funny. The writer conscientiously checked the text with his mother and sibling, to make sure his father was presented with dignity and that the others were okay with the text. When the piece was published, though, the writer’s mother was the one who felt betrayed, because her son had mentioned in passing that she wore a back brace, a personal detail she had never mentioned outside the family.

So it’s good to be ready, but the odds are you won’t make it airtight. You may want to be more assertive with your mother: come right out and tell her that there are anecdotes and stories she doesn’t know, and that you don’t want her to learn about them at the launch party. If there is any question of legal problems, you may want to speak to a lawyer.

These matters come up often in writing, both fiction and non-fiction. For a few more examples from the Geist trove, take a look at these posts: Aunt Laverne Redux, Writing Real People and Truth and Consequences. And for you, take heart in the company you keep. As the writer Rita Mae Brown once put it: “A writer’s life is not designed to reassure your mother.”

—The Editors